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  • Diana

Fleeting joy



One truth, my truth, is that it comes and it goes

And I don’t know when it will happen

It doesn’t follow a timetable

It dances to the beat of its own drummer

So when it does come by

Because I have no idea how long or short its stay will be

I try to get in all my minutes

I say as much as I can

Share as much as I can

Engage as much as I can

If and only if the intended recipients seem willing (at first)

If I’m lucky and our cycles (social. not menstrual ) are in sync, it’s just healthy reciprocal banter, mutual madness, randomness both superficial and deeply meaningful (interchangeable those two)

If it’s a hit and miss and they’re not feeling it

Then what I am is smothering

That’s not good

And before you know it

It’s

G o n e

And that’s my cue

To hit the road Jack and never come back no mo no mo no mo no mo!

I know what it is

I know what I mean by my working with it

I know that this is the most productive way of living through it

To anyone who chooses to disbelieve me

It is inconsistency

It is Pricey-ness

It is obnoxious arrogance

It is attention-seeking

I’m training myself to be okay with these assumptions

I tell myself their reactions are not my responsibility

Some people are recurring characters and that’s nice (I can count the number of them on one hand)

The familiarity brings gratitude with it

I’m thankful for those people

Many aren’t and that’s fine too

We’re all alone in our bodies and minds anyway right?

Hence being alone in our existence

We’re all

a l o n e

The sooner I learn to be perpetually at peace with that, no matter what tries to ruffle my feathers, the better I will be for it.

So I welcome it when it shows up and I smother the ones that I adore whether they are ready or not

Because the alternative is letting them go unloved by me all of the time just because I might be too much for them if they’re unprepared when I do get my chance

I can’t live with that

It is never better to have never loved at all.